Dei Layborer

I suppose it’s inevitable that my mind would be focused on “looking back” as the year comes to a close, although this would be equally inevitable simply because it’s been so long since I’ve written here.

I’m not really sure where my penchant/passion for writing has gone, but it has unquestionably faded. It just isn’t a draw like it used to be, while I remain stuck trying to find something to occupy myself day-to-day. Speaking of which, I’ve taken some time off work for the holidays, so at least there has been plenty of time for following my whims. So far, it’s mostly been:

• Putting entirely too much time into Factorio with the help of my brother.
• Creating a Typst package for formatting polytonic Greek text via transliteration from Latin characters (GitHub). Basic functionality is there, although I’d like to perhaps handle numbers as well.
• Working on a plugin for Obsidian that will allow for uploading a page from it directly to write.as via the latter’s API.
• A CSS/JS library for changing a web page’s appearance based on weather conditions. There’s a basic skeleton there, but the main thing is figuring out how much I want to build in versus have the user do. In other words, do I include “default” styles for it being sunny vs. raining vs. whatever, or do I just create CSS classes and let the user handle everything else? If nothing else, I’ll likely want to come up with some styles for my own use.
• Chipping away at my translation of Bartolomé de las Casas’ A Brief Account of the Destruction of the Indies, about which I hope to write more later.

On the “hope to do or at least work on” list:

• Finish wiring some LEDs into a Lego house
• Work on the design/CSS for some poor sod’s web project (the descriptor is a reflection on my lack of progress, not theirs, so I should probably prioritize this)
• Work through more of a Go tutorial on creating web apps
• Restart and set up a VPS that I had pre-pandemic. The main things I hope to get working for now are instances of RocketChat and BookStack for personal/family use. A discord compatriot who knows more than me has graciously offered to help.
• Actually finish this playthrough of Baldur’s Gate 3. I’d been stuck on a fight in Act III that I finally beat last night, so I’m hopefully back to making progress. Once I do that, I’m either restarting with a new/different character or maybe actually possibly beating Cyberpunk 2077. As an aside, BG3 is unquestionably my game of the year, and is easily the best CRPG I’ve ever played.

Other, more remote things to look at:

• Digging out the newest laptop that we no longer use and getting Haiku up and running on it, followed by looking for potential development projects
• Some graphic design work for my side job teaching kung fu
• Preparing materials for a legal education lecture I’ll be doing on my day job’s area (Social Security disability)

The idea of having all this stuff to do, and maybe actually making progress, is encouraging. But that may well be the caffeine and lisdexamfetamine talking; they make me much more optimistic in general. This is an arc I’m still trying to figure out. It’s one thing to be able to focus better, and maybe some sense of feeling hyped or whatever, but the positive emotional effects go a lot further than I’d expected. If you’ve ever had a pleasant caffeine buzz, it’s like that but more so.

The post-holiday crash was a bit rough this year, mostly feeling aimless when not under the influence of the aforementioned stimulants. I’m not sure whether it’s actually improving or if feeling better is the result of the aforementioned stimulants. Times when I’m not under their effects can still be rough, as it’s often very difficult for me to find the right amount of mental stimulation: enough to keep me from totally going out of my mind with boredom, but not so much that my brain can’t rest if it needs it.

Speaking of being under the influence, I’ve noticed over the last couple months that alcohol has lost all of its perceived effects. I’m still assuming that my tolerance hasn’t change for the purposes of e.g. driving, but the last few times I’ve consumed any, regardless of amount, I haven’t had any sense of buzz or anything like that. Instead, if I have more than a couple drinks within a relatively short period (i.e. enough that I would’ve gotten buzzed before), I feel nothing followed by feeling sleepy an hour or so later. It’s very weird, and I’m not sure what could be causing it. I definitely gained an undesired amount of weight when COVID lockdown started, but this effect (or lack of effect) is more recent than that. It seems to correlate more with my starting a couple vitamin supplements (vitamin D and methylfolate), but I can’t be sure, and I’ve certainly never heard of either of those causing this kind of effect. It’s not a huge deal, even if the occasional buzz was really fun; I’m just puzzled more than anything.

— — —

This whole year has been a bit anticlimactic. To be fair, major (i.e. beyond just my own ambit) events these days tend to be negative more often than not, so maybe I should be careful what I wish for. It’s easy to drive myself crazy trying to figure out some proper “last” event, whether that be a last blog post of the year (which this may not even be!), how I spend New Year’s Eve, all the rest. Instead, I’m trying to remind myself that we can’t really choose how these milestones happen, and even when we can, they don’t have some magical, outsized effect on what comes next. Instead, it’s a case of trying to make each day a little better.

This desire for progress is its own trap, at least for me. I really don’t know what to do with myself when I feel like I’m treading water, and those periods have always been deeply distressing and uncomfortable. I’m trying not to see myself as being in such a period right now, difficult though this may be. I think a lot of it is brought on by an overall lack of feedback: I’m coasting, to an extent…but more than that, I just don’t really have a sense of things. It’s a relativity thing: I don’t have any other reference frames in view, so I can’t get a sense of movement one way or the other. The result is feeling like I’m just keeping pace, which is better than moving backwards, but still unsatisfying.

— — —

To finish (and embrace a significant shift in tone), a few more media-related recommendations:

• Annihilation by Jeff van der Meer. I’m about two-thirds of the way through it, and am really enjoying it. The movie, which I liked (and which is what prompted me to start reading the book) is very different.
• The Three-Body Problem by Cixin Liu. My understanding is that the author has said some shitty things, but I don’t know enough about this to say anything more. The book itself is interesting, but I’m also finding it bogging down in the middle, which is where I am right now.
• Del tiempo y sus demonios (On Time and Its Demons) by Diego Armando Arciniegas Malagón. I try to have at least one Spanish-language book going at all times to keep up with my Spanish, and this is the one right now. I’m not very far into it, but what I’ve read so far has been excellent. The author has got an incredible command of language, and is able to switch voices fluidly without disorienting the reader. As far as I can tell there hasn’t been an English translation, unfortunately. But if your Spanish is up for it, it definitely seems like it’ll be worth your time. (That it currently has a 4.58 on GoodReads should also say something.)
• Games-wise, beyond the two I’ve mentioned already (Factorio and BG3), I’ve also been enjoying Super Mario Wonder, ‌(the) Gnorp Apologue, Space Haven, and perennial favorite Transport Fever 2. On those occasions I’m feeling a tad more social, Ready or Not and Starship Troopers: Extermination are both great fun with others.
• I often struggle staying engaged with TV shows or even movies, so not a whole lot here. I’ve been slowly making my way through Pluto on Netflix, which I’m definitely enjoying, even if I worry that the ultimate payoff won’t hold up (to be clear, this is just a vague sense rather than the result of anything specific). Rick and Morty has held up well overall, and I’m one episode from finishing the most recent season.

Have a pleasant New Year’s, Internet.